How quickly I forfeited my pledge to try to make every moment count. Spent several hours last night obsessively watching YouTube. Have become keenly aware lately how much obsessive thought and action cloud my day to day living. This from Stephen Levine (Who Dies?): "Awareness notices each object as it passes through, but never forgets itself. Recognizing the spaciousness through which the mental circus passes. The lions and tigers, the clowns and high-wire acts are all present, but are seen as the mind's game only [...]. But because there is no identification, because the circus is not thought of as 'mine,' it is observed like any parade." Read the words after lying blankly in bed for yet another half hour...12:30 p.m. by this time. What if I related to my depression instead of from it? It's made a difference already. I feel lighter. Less like a block of concrete and more like a woman walking on ice. Ice she's walked on before. Knows how to walk on. Knows how to best slide her feet. Maybe if she looks down, she'll see a glimmer of koi fish. Even now. Relating to instead of from.
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