Like a Bird

Saw a cheesy movie and got inspired: the idea of finally having the courage to stop soldiering and settle down. What would a day be like without the undercurrents, the fraying of the wire I seem to need still? Last night, after my speech, my evaluator in Toastmasters added a word to a line I had used to give me a compliment. "[Her] self sang like a bird (ee cummings.)" If I was truly at peace, would I sing like a bird more often?

That First Cup

Lock-down until 11 a.m. There are those pleasant lie-ins where I turn and shift and turn again, catlike in my contentment. Not today. My cells were slamming their tin cups across the bars, urging me forward, but I could not move. Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys had more than his share of mornings like this. "Sometimes," he once said, "that first cup of coffee is an act of courage." Just so.

Graces

I am reading a book. Bill walks by and pats my head. "Good night, sweetie." The smallest things.

Only the Dog

"A more recent attempt to explore the modern mysteries comes from John Banville. His new book, The Infinities, assumes the gods are still hanging mischievously around our world. The novel unfolds in a single day in the home of Adam Godley, a brilliant mathematician who lies comatose on what appears to be his deathbed. As his family and various friends tend to his needs and squabble with each other, only the dog notices that the messenger god, Hermes, is floating around the house." (From To the Hellenic and Back, Jeremy McCurter for Newsweek, March 29, 2010).

Felicity Huffman

Cried so hard on the stairs last night I left a salt water pond on the step below me. That and snot. Crying, done well, is a messy operation. I've seen it only once captured on film like that, in all its endearing viscuousness: Felicity Huffman with her therapist in Transamerica. Remarkable.

Outside

Sometimes the simplest act, opening windows...and the cold air comes and the sound of birds, a distant car. The world has not stopped just because you have. And maybe it's your one act of affirmation the entire day. Or maybe you think, what's going on down the street that I must know? But for now, the air is bathing your face, your tired eyes.

Wandering

Got lost somewhere around Boren in the rain. Just tromping around. Trying to find my friend Gregory's house. I often seem to get lost when I feel lost. Some kind of muted despair keeps me walking in circles. He finally had to come out and find me. As I suspected, I was only blocks from his house. "I'm so happy to see you," he kept saying. Perhaps he was worried I had been swept away in the deluge or had wandered off to Lynnwood. Or was just happy to see me. As I was to see him.